


Should've Known (you were the one who could make me feel okay again)

by justanothergirlwithaphone



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Episode 5x18, Fix-It, Fix-It of Sorts, Friendship/Love, Gen, I Love Lena Luthor, Kara Danvers Needs a Hug, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Lena Luthor-centric, Lex Luthor Being an Asshole, Off-screen, POV Lena Luthor, Protective Lena Luthor, Reconciliation, Sad Lena Luthor, Slow Burn Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, We all need to cleanse ourselves, post 5x18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:15:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24159499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanothergirlwithaphone/pseuds/justanothergirlwithaphone
Summary: Lena's POV on episode 5x18. What happens after her confrontation with Lex? What happens after Kara asks her to sit?
Relationships: Kara Danvers & Lena Luthor, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Lena Luthor & Lex Luthor
Comments: 34
Kudos: 346
Collections: Supergirl Fandom





	Should've Known (you were the one who could make me feel okay again)

**Author's Note:**

> check out the notes at the end.  
> hope this is a good enough fix it, and a good enough Lena Luthor portrayal.

She knows. 

The moment Steve opens his eyes, the moment Lena sees the fear in his eyes, she knows.

She is the one who causes it. 

She did that.

Everybody was right. 

She is the villain.

x

She has been pacing in the room alone for the past ten minutes. 

For the first time in 27 years, she has no idea what to do next. 

What she is going to tell Lex. 

What Lex is going to think of her. 

She failed. 

Again. 

x

_Breathe in._

_Do not cry._

_Breathe out._

_Stop shaking._

_Breathe in._

_Do not fucking cry._

Never in a million years, would Lena have thought that she would get yelled at, by Lex, who’s just inches away from her face, in a room somewhere in a freaking penitentiary.

Never in a million years, would she thought that she would feel like the little girl back in the cold, gigantic Luthor Mansion decades ago. 

She doesn’t know which is worse. 

Her disappointing Lex, or the fact that she cares if he is disappointed.

It’s like she’s still the same little girl desperately seeking for her brother’s approval. 

It’s like she’s still stuck in that same house. 

It’s like she never left.

x

_“...to know the true depravity of humanity. To see that **MY WAY** was the **ONLY WAY**!” _

Just like that, something inside her snaps. 

White knuckles from clenching her fist too hard, and gritted teeth from the effort to remain silent, she’s still visibly shaking, but this time— this time she’s shaking with rage, and somehow every resentment she had over the years just simply rush to the surface.

_You don’t get to tell me what to do anymore._

She draws in a deep breath and opens her eyes. Her eyes flashed with indignant and anger. With one look, she knows the verdict is told, seeing that Lex looks a little surprised. 

She locks her eyes with his. The unmoving gaze is accompanied by deliberate slow breathing, making sure he’s going to hear every. single. word. that is coming out from her mouth next. “You’re a monster,” she hisses.

Though she thinks their face could not possibly get any closer, she leans in regardless. 

“But that doesn’t mean I have to be one too.”

x

Next thing she knew, her car has reached her penthouse. She steps off the car and heads straight to the elevator without giving Seth (the guard) her usual nod of greeting, which earned her a little look of concern, but she couldn’t bring herself to care. She has bigger issues to deal with. 

After what seems like years in the elevator, she unlocks her front door, throws her keys and handbag onto the floor, and heads straight into her bathroom. Without taking off her clothes, she steps into the shower. 

When she finally feels the water running down her hair, soaking her now-damp clothes; when the noise of the rest of the world is finally drowned by the sound of water against the floor, she couldn’t hold it in any longer.

Her walls, the walls that made her stand up against Lex minutes ago just... collapse. Moment by moment, they fall. Salty drops fall from her chin, lost together with the water from the showerhead.

It starts out as quiet, muffled sobs. She stumbles back and slams against the glass door. Her breathing hitches as her knees grow weak and she slumps to the cold tiles on the floor. Pulling her knees to her chest, her tears burst forth like water from a dam, and just like how she used to excuse herself from Lex or Lillian every time sentiments brewed over and boiled past the seams she could no longer hold together, _because Luthors should never cry in front of other people, Luthors should never show their vulnerability_ , she’s drowning in her own tears of hell alone, on the bathroom floor once more. 

For twenty minutes she just sits there with her face in her hands, letting her tears run between her fingers. For twenty minutes she allows herself to be vulnerable. 

_Five more minutes,_ she tells herself. _Just five more._

x

Most people would consider it funny really. 

She just crawled her way out from hell and now she’s planning to crawl into another one. 

It’s like she enjoys it, people would say. 

Well, to hell with all those people. 

x

This is probably the first time Lena has spent more than an hour writing a speech. Heck, it’s not even a full speech; it’s more of a list of key points. 

She has decided to apologize to Kara, admit her mistakes, admit that she has been blinded by Kara’s and everybody else’s distrusts and she is going to offer her help in stopping Lex and Leviathan. She’s going to put on her best ‘I was wrong’ face, she’s going to mean every word, she’s going to try her best to make everything right again because she knows whatever happens next, it’s her fault. She’s the one who started non nocere, so she will be the one who’s ending it. She’s going to stop Lex. And this time, if Lex dies, she is definitely making sure that there will not be any more funny resurrecting business. 

She owes that much to Supergirl, to Alex, to the rest of the DEO, to the world, and most importantly, she owes it to herself. 

Plus, if she makes it through the conversation without crying, she will reward herself by finishing the finest bottle of scotch she could find in her cabinet later and maybe order take-ins from Big Belly Burger. 

Thankfully for her previous _scarcely ever infelicitous schtick_ in her bathroom (yes, she knows it sounds weird— that’s the whole point of it and no, she will not refer it as anything else), she is now level-headed and definitely ready to throw herself into another nightmare. 

_This is going to be fun._ (not)

x

There are currently three things going through Lena’s mind right now. 

First, she finally understands what the whole ‘the silence is deafening’ thing means now.

Second, she is ninety-seven percent sure she can’t drink that bottle of scotch later.

And third, can she stop fidgeting? God. What the hell is wrong with her? 

Oh, here’s another extra thought. _Please don’t shut the door in my face._

x

She sees it. 

She sees the hesitation, the anger, the reluctance, the _hurt_ in Kara’s eyes right before she turns and leaves the door open (thank god).

Lena takes it as Kara’s permission for her to go in. She does leave a noticeable space between them though, just in case. 

She begins her speech (with just a little too much emotion, she might add) when the other doesn’t seem like she’s planning on saying anything anytime soon. She manages to go through every single key point listed out earlier, and when she’s done, she almost couldn’t bring herself to look into Kara’s eyes. Her plan had not include what she should do if the other refuses her help, or refuses to listen (because honestly, that seems like the most logical outcome at the moment); actually, her plan did not even include what she should do if Kara, by some miracle does choose to listen. She mentally notes to kick herself for that later.

However, she does not miss the fact that Kara has her arms crossed, and it doesn’t take a genius to see that she’s setting up a barrier between them, or maybe just an unconscious attempt as to perceiving Lena a threat. Lena doesn’t say it, but it stings, considering how close they had once been. 

When Kara pulls out a chair and asks her to sit, she lets out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding. Regardless, she considers that a win. 

“Do you want anything to drink?”

“Um, water’s fine. Thanks.”

She takes this opportunity to look around the apartment.

_Nothing has changed._

She almost smiled at that thought but is brought back from her little trance when a glass of water is placed in front of her.

“So... why did you change your mind?” 

Lena sighs. “I chose to work with Lex at first because he was the only one who can get me the things I needed for my project—“

“Your mind-controlling project.”

“It’s not— I was heartbroken when Lex told me your identity. And it gave me an idea that if somehow I am able to target the specific part of the brain which triggers honesty and loyalty, get rid of human’s and alien’s instincts to hurt each other, and remove any selfish inclinations, maybe instead of driven emotions to lie, cheat, and hurt each other for the sake of protecting themselves, we would function based on morality, empathy, and logic. Initially, I needed Myriad to spread the Q-waves, but Obsidian VR lenses which also use Q-waves gave me an alternative. I was oblivious to the fact that humanity is prone to evolution. I admit my vision overshadowed the consequences of my project and I realize now what I’m doing is wrong.”

“You fooled me once. You pretended to forgive me so that you could guilt me into stealing Lex’s journals for you, to break into the DEO. You used me and then programmed my own fortress’ defenses against me. How do I know this time it’s no different?” Kara added.

Lena looks back down to her hands. She doesn’t know how to prove that this time she’s telling the truth. “I’m sorry for...all that. I really am. But I—“ she stops. “Lex and I, we tested my project on some prisoners in Stryker’s Island. There is a guy in there, Steve, he’s a really good person and honestly, I owe it to him.” Lena sees a change in Kara’s expression with the mention of Steve but she doesn’t question it. “Steve is probably the only person in there who doesn’t want anything to do with violence. He’s terrified of the other inmates who kept pushing him around, bullying and hurting him. When I launched my project, I removed the fear from him, and also every violent thoughts and tendency from the other inmates. Steve, he thanked me like I had just saved his world. For the first time after the reveal, I thought I was doing something worthwhile, I was doing good. But today, when the project backfired, Steve almost died. It’s ironic really, non nocere means ‘do no harm’ and it almost killed Steve.” Lena’s whole body is trembling as she whispers, “ _I_ almost killed Steve.” 

Lena feels a warm hand slipping over on top of hers. She looks up and Kara, glasses and all is looking at her with ... what is that? Pity? Understanding? 

“You’re okay.” Her voice is soft, full of reassurance. 

And Lena remembers all the time she had cried into her arms, when Jack died, when she wasn’t feeling like herself, even when she had known for sure that Kara would hate her for helping Lex with his cancer; and maybe when a drop of nostalgia rolls down her cheek, she doesn’t bother wiping it away. 

“Lena, I’m just”—she removes her hand from Lena’s, she looks tensed and concerned—“I’m wondering if you’re alright, because the last time we spoke, you didn’t seem alright, but that wasn’t my place anymore so I couldn’t ask.”

Lena places her hands on her lap. “I will be.”

“Do you remember the time we were on your plane to Kaznia?”

“How could I forget? The plane almost crashed.” 

“Yeah. Um, I was going to tell you about Supergirl on the plane that day.” When Lena makes no move to interrupt, she continues, “You had your back turned and I had taken off my glasses. But then you said that what Eve did, lying about who she was, broke you, and you didn’t know if you could be open to anyone again if it wasn’t for me, and I just, I chickened out.”

“Guess it just wasn’t the right time,” Lena shrugged.

“Oh, you have no idea.”

Lena raises her eyebrow questionably.

“This is going to sound crazy. Years ago, a fifth dimension imp, Mr. Mxyzptlk— Yeah, that’s his name,” she added when Lena’s eyebrows furrowed. “He proposed to me and there was this whole thing with me making him saying his name backwards— anyway, I sent him back to the fifth dimension. A couple of months ago, he returned, claiming he was court-ordered to help those who he wronged, me included. So, he sent me back to different realities where I told you I was Supergirl earlier, so that we would have a chance to salvage our friendship and you wouldn’t have gone down the path you did. In two of them, I died. In one, you died. And there’s another one where everybody died. So I figured maybe it would have been better if we had never met in the first place, and in that reality, well, let’s just say it didn’t turn out well. That was the night I flew to your balcony and ... you know.” 

“Wow. That’s— that sounds pretty intense.”

“Yeah.” Kara grinned. 

“I wasn’t mad because you didn’t tell me you were Supergirl. Okay, I’m lying. I am a little mad. But it’s more because you told everyone else _but me_ , and I was your best friend. No matter how hard I try to think about it, I couldn’t understand why. Why me? Then, there’s the fact that the way you treat me as Kara Danvers and as Supergirl, it’s different. Kara Danvers, had always been there for me, even when I told her— you that I have been helping Lex, she kept telling me that it’s okay, that she would be there for me. Supergirl, on the other hand, hated me. Supergirl was furious when she found out I had kryptonite, and that I know how to make them. She had my ex-boyfriend break into my lab. And it made me think, which one of you is the real you. Which one of you showed her actual feelings towards Lena Luthor. If the real you is Kara, then why didn’t Supergirl had a little bit more faith in me? But if the real you is Supergirl, then what does that make me?”

Kara looks downright guilty. “That is my fault. I was scared. I was scared that once you knew that I was Supergirl, you wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore. And I got a little defensive. I’m sorry. I promised you that you are going to have someone who will stand up for you no matter what, that you and I would always be on the same side. I want you to know that I really meant that, as both Kara and Supergirl.”

Lena stares at her. “Are there other reasons why you didn’t tell me?” Lena internally curses herself. She had promised herself that she would never ask this. But she wants to know. She needs to know.

“Honestly, yeah. There is another reason.” Kara pauses to take in a sharp breath before continuing. “I keep telling myself that what I’m thinking is not true because it makes me sound like a really selfish person, but I can’t keep lying to myself— or you anymore, and I can’t deny it further. I know I’ve told you multiple times that the only reason I didn’t tell you I was Supergirl was because I wanted to protect you from people who would hurt you to get to me. And I’m not saying that it’s not true, because it is, I would never want you to get hurt because of me, but... I have another reason as to why I didn’t tell you, and though I always try not to think about it, it just happens, it sits there in the back of my mind and no matter how hard I try to remove that thought, it always comes back and...and I’m really sorry.”

Lena braces herself. She had replayed this exact conversation in her mind over and over again since the day Lex told her. She knows exactly what Kara is going to say. She’s going to say that despite everything, she couldn’t let go of the fact that she is ultimately a Luthor and after all, a Luthor did try to kill one of her family, and possibly harm the entire world in the process. And no matter how hard she tries not to think about Lena that way, like the rest of her family, the feeling is just there, because it’s instinctual and Lena doesn’t know how she’s going to reply because she gets it. She would never fully trust anyone who hurt her family without a solid reason, even when her family is Lex. And this just makes her conflicted, because if Kara says it, if Lena hears it straight from Kara’s mouth, it makes it real, and that would mean everything that Lena had thought to be true, and despite knowing it way before, there’s a tiny bit of her still hoping, begging that it isn’t true. And now that Kara is going to confirm it, she thinks she won’t be able to handle the pain that would come with it. 

“Part of me didn’t want to tell you I was Supergirl because... you were the reason why I didn’t give up on Kara Danvers.”

And oh boy, Lena had not expected that answer. Yet, it still doesn’t change the fact that she has no idea how she should reply. So she resolves into just staring at Kara, while using every inch of her will to prevent the tears that she could feel are slowly forming from falling.

“When Mon-El left, I hated Kara Danvers. She was weak, she was this girl who just had her heart broken and there was nothing she could do about it. I quit CatCo after a very immature fight with James, I spent all my time as Supergirl because being Supergirl at the time, I was able to help people, I was able to do something instead of thinking about him. I could pretend that it never happened, that he never left, that I didn’t send him away. But then you bought CatCo from being taken over by Edge, and you said you needed me there. Though you did an excellent job with managing CatCo, and you didn’t really need me there, you showed me that Kara Danvers meant something. You needed Kara Danvers, not Supergirl, or Kara-who’s-also-Supergirl. You were the only one who doesn’t know I have all these powers and yet you became my best friend and you loved me for just me, just Kara Danvers, the reporter from CatCo. Slowly, it kind of became my way of escape. I could just be Kara Danvers every single time I’m with you. I don’t have to think about what Supergirl should do or say, or if you are going to look at me differently because I say something not hero-worthy. And for a moment, I get to be human. I get to be just like everybody else. Around you, I get to be normal. I’m not saying that being around Alex, Brainy, Nia, John, James, and the rest of the team isn’t great, it is and I love being around them, but there’s this...this responsibility that would just hang around my neck, this load that would always be there because they know who I am and what I do. But around you, it’s simple and it’s carefree, and I can sneak away from the world and from all the responsibilities, even if it’s just for a while, and just think of myself. When being Supergirl gets hard and I just want a break from the whole superhero gig, I know I could come to you and listen to you talk about your work, I can just talk about anything normal, or we could just sit there in the quiet and even if it’s just for a moment, I don’t have to feel guilty about not being out there saving people. And I know it is really selfish of me because I neglected to consider how you would feel. And I’m just, I’m really really sorry Lena.”

Lena has to turn away and swipes at her eyes before Kara sees it, not that it’s much use because a second later, her eyes are watery again. Plus, Kara was— is crying too, and judging from it, she not planning on wiping it anytime soon. It’s not like Kara has not seen her cry anyway. She’s probably the only person who has seen Lena cry, countless of times, she might add.

“I’m sorry....that you have to deal with all this alone.”

Kara looks up at her, surprised. Clearly, that isn’t the reaction she thinks she would get. To be frank, that isn’t what Lena had expected to come from herself either. Maybe it is because she could hear Kara’s sincerity in her voice, or maybe she is relieved that the answer she got isn’t what she initially thought, but at that moment, she chooses not to let her previous anger or pettiness get to her, and instead try to put herself in Kara’s perspective. And boy did that lift off a certain amount of weight from her heart. 

_“I really miss you. I miss this, **us** ,”_ Kara says after a brief silence between them, and she smiles at Lena. Not the bright, sunny smile that Kara usually has plastered on her face. No, it’s a small, slightly hesitant smile, but it reaches her eyes and Lena could see so much genuineness and tenderness behind those eyes; those raw emotions and ... trust.

Just like that, brick by brick, Lena’s walls that she tries so desperately to build over the last couple of months come tumbling down once again. It feels like déjà vu. It’s like they returned to that exact moment in the café where Kara had challenged her to an ‘Appetiser War’; when Lena decided to let her guards down, when she figured that maybe it would not be so bad to have a friend in National City, and accepted her challenge. That exact moment, the starting line, the beginning of their friendship. 

“Let’s start over, okay?”

Lena gives her a questioning look but nods all the same. Kara gets up from her chair, extending her hand towards her, and Lena _finally_ sees that smile; the one that brings out the twinkle in Kara’s eyes, and god, Lena missed that smile.

“Hi, Miss Luthor. My name is Kara Danvers, or Kara Zor-El, whichever you prefer. I am a reporter from CatCo Magazine, and also Supergirl, but she’s just a side job.”

Lena doesn’t know if she should laugh or cry at that, but one thing for sure, that grin on her face is definitely sincere— it hasn’t been for a very long time. 

Also, she knows just what to reply as she shakes the hand in front of her. 

“CatCo magazine? It’s a publication not known for its hard-hitting journalism, more like high-waisted jeans, yes or no? Plus, Supergirl as a side job? Doesn’t earn much, does it?” 

Kara narrows her eyes at her playfully. A second later, both of them are snorting with laughter with their hands still intertwined from the handshake. 

Between breaths, Lena adds, “You’re with me right?”

“Always.”

Kara wraps her arms around her and pulls her close. Lena sinks into the warmth, the familiarity of it. 

It brings her back to the first time they hugged. 

And somehow, Lena knows.

_**I'm going to be more than okay.** _

**Author's Note:**

> Okay honestly, this is my first Supergirl fic, and I'm trying my best to put myself in Lena's POV. There may be some grammatical mistakes, but I'm too lazy to do anything about it now. Anyway, hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Leave your thoughts in the comments below, and let me know if you want me to write anything else or what you think I could do better!
> 
> Thanks for reading!  
> Stay safe at home!  
> STAN LENA LUTHOR


End file.
